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Archive for March, 2014

Lately I have been observing myself and the quest for meaning in my life. I took off two days for Patong Beach, South of Thailand and planned to contemplate the meaning of life. The urge for the quest is so constant in my life and at times perplexing to me. I observe that  this need often emerges in relation to my experience with moments of general anxiety disorder or mild depression. It reminds me of numerous conversations with many chronic depressed individuals who related to me that the need for meaning was a constant part of their lives. So along this beach I sat hoping to find an existential sense of a life worth living. But this time there was really nothing happening. No deep thought nor anything profound happening. Not even a feeling of some meaningful satisfaction but just a pleasant experience of sitting by the beach observing the waves crashing on the shore and the wind in my face. I have come to realize that this ’emptiness’ is as much a part of me that will continue to ‘be’. Nothing can fill this. It is a vacuum to be experienced. It is just there. And I have to get use to it while recognizing that life exists and it is beautiful with random emergence of this ’emptiness’. There is a second layer to this nothingness and to me it is about the fear of being nothing. The fear of watching life goes by and there is nothing significant happening to the life that I live. The fear of not being significant enough for myself and others. I suppose at the symbolic level, this fear fuels the quest. The feeling reminds me of Chuang Tzu’s Peng whose wings can glide because of the empty space. And it makes me think of his statement…we know the use of the useful but who knows the use of the useless. Is it possible to find live with this empty space and lets it form that place for one to be able to glide through life pleasantly and peacefully. 

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