The Answer is Blowing in the Wind

When I turned 50 I begin to realize that I cannot tell people what to believe or what to do. I look back and feel humble in the face of all the mistakes I’ve made and regrets that I’ve accumulated. But that’s not the end of the struggle. In the past 3 years I’ve experienced what I call spiritual desolation. I’ve made numerous heart felt petitions to God, those prayers that came from the depth of my soul. And again and again and again the answers never came. Opportunities passed right before me. I remember nights of pleading with God, pleading to the point where I just could not find words to speak. Pleading in exhaustion. And the lack of answers just passed right before me. I learn something within this period of spiritual isolation. Perhaps God does not solve your problems, remove the obstacles, fix the issues. Perhaps problems and issues remain and we just have to try our best to face the problems and be willing to face consequences. And the question remain, where is God in all these?

I’ve come to believe that there are those random moments in our lives where we sense that there’s something infinite, it is feeling of how small we are and yet we are a part of this Infinite Being from which we draw a deep sense of meaning. And we do not really know where our lives will lead. We do not know how God really works. But in those random moments, we know that we are a part of something infinite.

There is a second movement to this journey for me. How do we know that God is here when we face disappointments, and regrets, and our frailty as human beings, and when nothing is going the way we hope, and we are tired? We know that God is here when in the midst of these troubling events and struggles and mistakes we long to be an instrument of God’s love. In the midst of our pain, we complain to God, we beg God for answer, we request, we negotiate, we get upset, and there we are on our knees pleading with God to be an instrument of love.

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Nothing really!!!

 

For the past 15 years or so the opportunity to reflect on spirituality has been placed before my path. I receive this as a gift in the soul’s journey. The reward has been rich although the path, tumultuous. Numerous individuals intersect on this path through various avenues be it academic papers, publications, conversations, and texts in various forms including narratives. I have witnessed those who claim expertise on spirituality through acquisition of vast knowledge of the field or via vigorous research. It seems ironical in a way because spirituality is the path toward emptiness and it is within the realm of nothingness that spirituality is experienced in variety of dimensions. It is in emptiness that we come to experience God more fully. It is when a self is able to strip itself of all societal affirmations that one can stand before God being truly authentic. Making a name for oneself out of spirituality is an oxymoron. Toward the unknown seems the Divine path toward becoming a full self before God. And so I like to think that my goal in life is to amount to nothing.

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Stars

So I learn this from a movie and often remember when looking at stars in the night.

“Star light, star bright

First star I see tonight

I wish I may

I wish I might

have the wish

I wish tonight”

I have so many wishes but for tonight I pray that life will be kind, that goodness may come to all the people I care about, that children will not go hungry at night, that fearful people will find courage, that voiceless people will be able to speak, that those in poverty will understand that worth is never tight in to currency, that restless souls will find peace and quietness, that mothers will always have strength to care for children, that countries will seek peace instead of domination, that world resouces will find even distribution, that children will know that they are loved, that those who are broken will know that they are not alone, that every tear drop will be heard, that people will learn that life is much bigger than who they are, that there will be more smile and laughter in the world, that mothers will be blessed with more sticky kisses from their children.

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Sabbath, Simplicity, and Sustainability

Recently a friend asked what my faith is to me and I ponder the depth of what this question mean to me. What is Seventhday Adventism to me? In the process I was drawn to the question of the Sabbath, the concept of rest.  What is so restless about our society that makes rest a rare commodity?  We always talk about rest but it does not seem as if there’s really a place in our world. Even in the world of Adventism that I’m in. There are plenty of striving and struggling to be good enough as defined by the religious insitution and interpreted locally and regionally. When perfection is demanded, there’s no room for vulnerability. And without vulnerability, there’s no room for rest neither.

A couple of months ago I had the privilege of sitting with a Thai professor from Chulalongkorn University. I asked him about sustainability and he invited me to reflect back to the time with Thailand was a agricultural society. People learned to live and give and share. There were not major disparity between wealth and poverty. The distribution of wealth was within appropriate range. Then came industrial revolution, the progression of machines and technology that enabled mass production that was once not within reach.  This mass production as a result of machines and technology result in the widening of the gap in production and hence income. Disparity of distribution increased. Where once farmers used to take turn to assist one another in harvesting and planting, with the arrival of machines and mass production, sharing was no longer practiced and replaced by wages.  Farmers stopped helping others and started demanding wages for their sweat. I suspect the repitition of this process further played an important role in rewriting local and national narratives on what it means to succeed in a society. A new public discourse emerged.  A new measure of success articulated and populated. Quantification became the means for the measure of success.

But really, is there a basis by which quantification become the standard measure for success? Why not sharing, why not contentment, why not happiness, why not compassion s as measures for success? There are no more ground for accumulative quantification as measure for success then contentment and happiness and compassion. I have nothing against quantification. But to set this as a standard for measure seems arbritary. We can probably say I like to acquire and accumulate because I like comfort or for the pleasure it can afford but I think success needs to be redefined.  Because success becomes the place where people measure themselves and their worth. And there’s nothing more important for a person than to realize their worth. But the society caught in this definition of succcess (and here I am looking way beyond economics. There are always so many standards of measure for so many different areas in our lives such as good looks, reputable careers, cognitive ability as meaasured by standardized tests etc).  I think for this very reason it becomes difficult for us to find that place where we can rest. And I do not mean rest only in a literal sense but  figurative sense as well.  When there’s room for validation of simplicity, rest becomes a possibility. And as a result, this philosophical shift toward simplicity becomes sustainable.

I guess this is perhaps the place in my current journey into what my faith means to me at this point in my life. And who knows what might happen in the futurer…..

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Making a Difference

I used to dream dreams and they often were consisted of transformation for the marginalized, healing for the wounded, relief for the oppressed. Then dreams were slow to come by. And the soul became desolate and the longing deepen. I would keep searching for means and ways, for the renewal of dreams. I searched for the most vulnerable and asked myself what role can I play. And the search never ceases because  ‘most’ is a category that changes with time and the socio-cultural context. And I search for the most sustainable ways to offer permanent solutions to these populations. The search immobilizes me because the most sustainable and permanent solution exists, in my estimate, only as an ideology that does not seem able to be translated into the lived experience of every day people. And I started to realize that making a difference is not always eternal in its scope. That we may play a little part in people’s lives and that making a small difference is a difference that is made and it is significant in itself. It may be simply transient and it is ok. One of the most gratifying things during the last couple of weeks is the assignment that I required for students. They each have to do one intentional act of charity. And the most amazing things happen…buying pens from a poor student, driving old people around, buying burgers for the homeless, stop on the freeway to help change tires, spending time with mentally challenged kids, giving ride to needy people etc. Perhaps it is the little transient act of random kindness that makes little difference for people. And it is ok.

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Touched by Grace

There are times in life where nothing seems to be going the way you want it to go. Life takes its own path. And the journey is beyond your control.  The path we wish to take seems like the one we consider the most beneficial and appropriate.  But it seems to me that in every path we wish to take lies the imprint of our metaphysics that both consciously and unconsciously governs our lives. It is well integrated in our functional reality.  And in the process of divine redemption, God breaks into this reality modifying, altering, challenging, and deconstructing. Often, it is such a painful process.  I like to think that God does not leave us there to be all alone either.  Although it may feel that way.  In a strange way, through strange encounters, via some random and recurring events the unfolding meaning of grace enters my life like never before. Like a voice from a far saying, things happen for a reason. And the recurring moments of grace slowly transform this metaphysics, this functional reality and the stars shine brighter.  Miracles sometimes happen through people.  And I encountered this Divine moment.

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Snakes and Dreams: Want to Hear More about Your Dream

I’m looking at putting together materials on snake dreams and would like to request those who recall dreams of snakes to share their dreams on this blog.  You can click response/comment and share your dreams and also your interpretation as well if you have one or feelings that these dreams evoked in you.  If you have other interesting dreams other than seeing snakes, I would appreciate that as well.  Not that I know how to interpret them but I’m curious to see if there’s any significant pattern when people dreams of snakes.  I would also like to know what snakes often represent to you or what feeling snakes evoke in you.  Thank you very much for considering sharing your dreams.

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Growing Old

What have I learned from growing old?  I do hope with all my heart that I learn some important lessons about life.  Well what have I learned when my body is not the body of a 22 and my brain does not remember things as I used to, my waist line is expanding into infinity, my metabolism is going at a turtle speed, my mind is operating on a very slow wave, my opthamologist recommends three layer lens, my medicine cabinet is filling up pretty quickly, and you actually find comfort in the utilization of restrooms.  Well I learn that I know very little, that I have made many mistakes, that people do forgive, that life goes on even when I do not get it right, that most of my worries do not come to pass, that I am not any more special than most people, that I’m not in control of many things in life and how my future will unfold, that there are many good people around, that people do care, that goodness even in the midst of the cloudy days does exist, that even though the rain does come on a sunny day (like in CCR’s lyrics) it can be sunny (in my student’s words) even when it rains.  I’m beginning to see that shift from half-empty to half-full.  It still is half but it does matter which half we see.  So what am I going to do as the number of my years on this planet climbs rapidly toward the geriatric definition?  A wise person said to me, “Go and live.”  It is not as easy as it sounds.  But there really is not much option to life than to go and live and pray that God’s grace will abound.

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Chuang Tzu, Foucault, and Deconstruction

The Diagnostic Statistical Manual is filled with pathologies.  Eating disorders.  Sleeping disorders.  Anxiety disorders.  Mood disorders.  The list runs on and on.  This is truly helpful in assessing and observing the phenomena of the intrapsychic functioning.  But an observation is an observation. It observes certain connections.  It observes certain causal relations.  It is a wonderful tool for people seeking to nurture souls.  But is it real?

I once asked my therapist what he thinks of the DSM IV (Diagnostic Statistical Manual for psychological assessment). He replied, “A fiction, a necessary fiction.”  Chuang Tzu writes,

Now do you say that you are going to make Right your master and do away with Wrong, or make order your master and do away with Disorder?  If you do, then you have not understood the principle of heaven and earth or the nature of the ten thousand things.[i]

James Hillman explains, “So long as the statistics of normalizing developmental psychology determine the standards against which the extraordinary complexities of a life are judged, deviations become deviants.  Diagnosis coupled with statistics is the disease.”[ii] This is where, according to Dietrich Bonhoeffer, we have become the Creators.  The story of the fall is pretty clear.  Sin originated from Adam’s awareness of the knowledge of good and evil.  This is perhaps the sin of our society as well.  We create fashion models and make heavy people feel bad. We create social behaviors and make some feel out of place.  We create dependency and call others codependent.  We create civilization and name others uncivilized.  We create truth and see others in untruth.  The more creation, the more division.  The more pathologies, the more disorders.  If slim isn’t right and fat isn’t wrong then a conflict does not exist.  If dependency does not necessary mean emotionally healthy and codependency, unhealthy, then tension is dissolved. The problem is, we do not like what we have and hence we create right and wrong.  Reflecting on webbed toes Chuang Tzu writes:

That which is ultimately correct does not lose the characteristics of its nature and destiny.  Therefore, joining is accomplished without a web, branching is accomplished without extraneousness, lengthening is accomplished without a surplus, shortening is accomplished without inadequacy.  Thus, although a duck’s legs are short, if we extend them it will come to grief; although a crane’s legs are long, if we cut them short, it will be tragic.  Therefore, if what by nature is long is not cut short, and if what by nature is short is not extended there will be no grief to dispense with.[iii]

French philosopher Michael Foucault would have agreed with Chuang Tzu that webbed toes becomes marginalized only in relation to the society that pathologizes it.  Pathology, as we understand it today, is rooted in individual psyche.  Madness expresses itself in behavioral aberration that ultimately lands a person in social isolation and alienation.  Alienation, perpetuates madness itself and the cycle continues.  Foucault sees this whole process differently.  It is the reversal of the process, argues Foucault, that leads to mental illness.  Commenting on this argument Herbert Dreyfus, professor of philosophy, writes:

In Foucault’s account, social contradictions cause alienation, alienation causes defenses, defenses cause brain malfunction, and brain malfunction causes abnormal behavior.  In short: “It is not because one is ill that one is alienated, but in sofar as one is alienated that one is ill.”[iv]

To Foucault, social categories and norms create conflicts and conflicts, in turn, result in changes in brain chemistry causing various symptoms.  Social alienation is based on an assumption of truth and its deviation.  According to Foucault, the 19^th century has brought along the concept of bio-power that aims at the betterment of human life.  Betterment is possible when one can grasp the true meaning of self through knowledge.  There is a self that one ought to be and through acquisition of knowledge and scientific methodologies, one can show the community what this ideal self ought to be.  In an attempt to move humanity toward its betterment, power seeks to classify, quantify, hierarchize, appraise, and label.[v] With classification, evaluation, and label, we can now realize where people are and how to correct that.  Now there is the mad and the not-so-mad.  There is a neurotic and a psychotic.  There are subtypes of psychosis with numerical identification.  In his introduction to Mental Illness and Psychology Foucault points out, “The analyses of our psychologists and sociologists, which turn the patient into a deviant and which seek the origin of the morbid in the abnormal, are, therefore, above all a projection of cultural themes.”[vi]

Hence there is a self that one ought to be and webbed toes do not belong in this category.  Webbed toes have to be unwebbed to belong.  But without the classification or quantification for the webbed or non-webbed, there is no alienation and therefore, no pain.  The problem according to Foucault is that we’ve allowed politics to defined and determined mental health and thus classified people accordingly.

Notes

[i] Chuang Tzu: Basic Writings, 102.  [ii] James Hilllman, The Soul’s Code: In Search of Character and Calling (New York: Warner Books, 1997), 30.  [iii] Victor Mair, trans., Wandering On the Way: Early Taoist Tales and Parables of Chuang Tzu (Honolulu: University of Hawaii Press, 1994), 76. [iv] Hubert Dreyfus, “Foreward to the California Edition,” Michael Foucault: Mental Illness and Psychology (California: University of California Press, 1976), xxvi. [v] Michael Foucault, The History of Sexuality, vol. 1, trans. Robert Hurley (New York: Vintage Books, 1980), 142-44. [vi] Michael Foucault, Mental Illness and Psychology, 63.

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Desire

Sitting across from my spiritual director, I was asked the question, what is it that I really desire?  What is it that lies within the depth of my soul, the longing, and the yearning, and the desire of the heart?  What is it that I come begging God for on my knees?  The Buddha teaches that desire is the root of suffering.  I believe this and I practice this. However I’ve also come to differentiate a very very fine line between desire and suffering.  Pain is not all that bad and at times it has that ritualistic transformative quality that we need in our lives. It changes us.  It offers a perspective that we might have not seen other wise.  It provides a new interpretive len from which we can see life and the world in a new way.  I have come to realize that pain is not always something we want to avoid.  And desire is not something we should seek to rid ourselves of. Desire is part of the very essence of our soul. To rid ourselves of desire may be an act of spiritual suicide. To rid ourselves of desire may result in further alienating ourselves from us.  I suspect that the art is the very ability to maintain that very tension of being fully aware of our desire, of what we want and long for, what we yearn and dream, what we seek and pursue, what we pray and earnestly pray for while at the same time being able to let go.  To want and to know that even if this desire remain purely that very desire without it becoming a reality, it is alright.  To be able to hold on to desire and that touch of pain because pain is bearable and evening meaningful when we really know what our hearts desire.  I suppose that our souls beg us to hold on to desire, holding on with the understanding that outcomes will only take its own course.  It is beyond our scope.  One learns in life that outcomes belong to life and life has a life of its own.  Life synchronizes itself.  A very difficult life’s lesson I’m learning is to trust life, trust that who I am in the very depth of my soul can be caught by the wind of life gliding into the unknown destiny.

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